The First Facility Management Blog


November 14th, 2008

FRIDAY FUNNY: New Office Policy As A Result Of The Credit Crunch

This offering comes from Peter SJF Bance, originator of the Friday Funny mailing list.

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary:

1) If you dress extravagantly, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be, and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

LABELS Friday_Funny, Human_Resources Comments Off

October 10th, 2008

FRIDAY FUNNY: Government Employee Evaluations Mock Poor Performance

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual [maybe] quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
30. “Takes him two hours to watch ‘60-minutes’.”
31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Many thanks again to Peter SJF Bance and his Friday Funny mailing list for this submission.

LABELS Employment, Friday_Funny, Human_Resources, Professional_Development No Comments »

July 14th, 2008

HR Outsourcing Recruitment Grows Despite Lagging Economy

Recruitment Process Outsourcing (RPO) is growing rapidly and has the potential to be a multi-billion dollar market, taking advantage of the trend towards single process deals in human resources outsourcing. This is according to the latest report by independent market analysis firm Datamonitor. The report—”Opportunities for recruitment process outsourcing in a changing HRO market”—estimates the global RPO market in 2007 to be worth $720m and forecasts it will grow by 22% in 2008 to $880m, surpassing the $1bn level in 2009. According to the report, demand is predominately from Fortune 1000 companies in the U.S., but the market is growing rapidly in the U.K. and continental Europe and is beginning to gain traction in the Asia Pacific region.

While RPO vendors claim to reduce costs by up to 40% in some cases, it is the lure of recruiting a higher quality workforce that is driving growth. Although the strategic importance of recruitment means quality will remain of utmost importance, it is likely in an economic downturn that it is those who can deliver on both quality and price that will succeed. “Despite the expectation that outsourcing will thrive as companies search for ways to cut costs, increased unemployment will result in lower business volumes which will be reflected in the variable price nature of RPO contracts. But, this will be mitigated by the increasing demand for RPO from new clients,” says Patrick O’Brien, IT and BPO analyst at Datamonitor and author of the report. “For RPO to continue its rapid growth in the near term, vendors may have to go to market by pricing more aggressively as recruitment will need to be seen as a primary function for easy cost reduction among company processes.”

RPO vendors are split over the use of offshore provision. Many players have little experience or understanding of how to derive the fullest benefits from RPO, while others see it as unworkable in recruitment services which require constant contact with both the client organization and, using the client‚s brand, with candidates.

Approximately half of RPO vendors have some offshore workforce, mainly carrying out tasks around name generation, sourcing, early screening of resumes and other administrative duties. A few have moved tasks which involve contact with the candidate offshore as per customer demand.

“While there is a lot of resistance from vendors, the increasing competitiveness of the market and the growing focus on cost cutting in the economic downturn will push vendors into examining ways in which to begin to increase the use of offshore delivery,” says O’Brien.

The first half of 2008 has seen a wave of acquisitions as vendors attempt to build out their recruitment expertise, technology capabilities and geographic footprint. A number of competing vendors still need to broaden their capabilities, and many of the larger vendors are looking to expand further overseas.

Some companies have put forward global request for proposals (RFPs), but these have subsequently been split into regions and handed to different vendors. The one-vendor global deal has not arrived yet, but a number of vendors believe that a breakthrough will occur in the next 12 months. The key reason for the break-up of global RFPs has been the fact that vendors do not have the capabilities to deliver on an international basis. Many have taken heed and are busy investing in international expansion, acquiring companies, building a global set of processes and forming partnerships with vendors in other regions.  

LABELS Datamonitor, Employment, Human_Resources, Professional_Development, outsourcing No Comments »