The First Facility Management Blog

Here’s a collection of interesting holiday decorating ideas from around the world.

The good:
This optical illusion comes from Greig Howe, who cut a massive tree into three sections, in order to create the appearance of a tree simply too big for the house. (Source: The Mail Online.)

The bad:
This lovely sentiment speaks for itself. (Source: ThereIfixedit.com)

And the lazy:
In Chicago, one resourceful neighbor, Dave Nosek, make the strategic decision to say more with less. His holiday sentiments “mirror” those of Chet Cybulski, just one house over. (Source: NBCChicago.com.)

Happy holidays to everyone–the good, the bad, AND the lazy.

This little gem has been floating around the Internet this week, but I thought it would be appropriate to share with anyone in the construction/facilities/building profession who may have missed it.

Here’s the yarn…

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.

Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as people almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house. She didn’t realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.

Ho ho ho.

Oh yes, and happy Hanukkah to all those who light the first candle (safely, of course) tonight!

Here’s an off the wall idea. Incorporate the (sometimes) tedious concept of recycling into one of the most popular, yet controversial programs on television and see what happens. Apparently, the creators of the show, “Family Guy” have been doing this for some time, and the results are presented here in this collection of clips. (The idea for this post originally came from the Web site, Greenopolis, but a few of the original selections seemed to grasp at recycled straws, so to speak.)

Gary, the no trash cougar:

Stewie and the renegade soda can:

And here are a few PSAs from Seth MacFarlane, Family Guy creator, for Fox Broadcasting:

Many members of the facility management profession have a natural knack for engineering. Along with that knack comes an enthusiasm for D-I-Y projects both in the workplace and at home. For those folks, this humorous list of toolbox items may sound frustratingly familiar…

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to round off bolt heads entirely. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. (And the inside of my garage can prove it.)

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Workplace safety is no laughing matter. No matter how many signs and warnings are displayed, some joker decides it’s easier to be sorry than it is to be safe.

In Australia, WorkSafe Victoria has come up with a gruesome campaign with the assistance of Lifelounge and OddStudio of Syndey to get the point across: The Body-O-Matic vending machine designed to sell spare body parts.

During Work Safe week in Melbourne, Australia, the folks from the Safetycare team snapped a few photos and shared these observations of the display in the Melbourne Convention Center:

In the foyer, there was this rather odd vending machine. At first glance, it looked like a regular food-type vending machine, but as curious onlookers neared, it could be seen that the products within were body parts! We at Safetycare loved this. A simple artistic installation that reminds us that we can’t replace our body parts as simply as just buying them from a vending machine, so we had better look after our own!

In addition to a mountain of awaiting e-mail, employees returning from vacation often have to deal with pranks executed by (envious perhaps?) co-workers who feel a little inconvenience is the perfect way to show someone just how much they care. Here is a gallery of creative “acts of appreciation” shared between co-workers.

(This one receives high marks for skillful execution!)

(OUCH!)

(Perfect for the co-worker obsessed with Post-It notes.)

(Tip of the hat to the person willing to make the financial investment necessary in order to pull this off.)

(There’s always room…)

Some folks really enjoy decorating for the holidays, even to the point where they turn their office or cubicle into a festive space at every opportunity. In honor of Halloween, Kleargear offers “gruesome desk toys and décor” along with “fun decorating ideas, decorations, and candy.” And The Office Master offers tips on how to convert old Mac computers into “Mac-O-Lanterns” with this link.

As a morale and teamwork building exercise, Halloween at the office efforts can be a great management tool. While a pumpkin carving contest probably isn’t a traditional team building technique in the workplace, check out these incredibly creative examples.

October 23rd is officially Punch Your Irritating Co-Workers Holiday. Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in his or her mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce PUNCH YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! Here are the rules you must follow:

• You can only hit one person per hour - no more.
• You can punch the same person again if s/he irritates you again in the same day.
• You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns punching the irritant.
• No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
• If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks who you want to punch the living day lights out of, and get to it…..and have a great day!

DISCLAIMER: this is only a joke. FacilityBlog has very strict rules about physical violence and does not encourage any slapping, punching, kicking, or even whacking with staplers or hole punches. Anyone who takes this seriously, is gonna get a punch….

Many thanks to Cathy (one of my co-workers) for submitting this Friday Funny.

Back in 1985, Terry Gilliam directed an offbeat film entitled, Brazil. Very dark, the film never achieved commercial success. Yet, it presents both a futurist and retro interpretation of the absurdity of administrative bureaucracy—one that still holds true today in many ways. Think of George Orwell’s 1984 with a dash of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” (the Argument Sketch, for instance), and you get Brazil.

Here’s the opening scene:

Which is immediately followed by this scene:

The underlying messages of this opening for those of you who haven’t seen the film, which is funny in places (”Hi there. I want to talk to you about ducts.”), while being extremely dark and foreboding (”bad sportsmanship” is quoted as the cause of terrorist attacks) is best summarized by the words of ChrisJMoor, originator of the offering on YouTube:

Terry Gillian’s comic masterpiece is inspired by Orwell’s 1984. Set in a shopping-crazed, terrorist-plagued totalitarian state, it extends on Gillian’s obvious hatred of bureaucracy…. It has little to do with the country Brazil.

A stark warning about mass surveillance and personal privacy issues from the days when CCTV was barely existent and personal records minimal and not stored on computers.

The end of the second scene is a bit like today’s workplace and “recreational” Internet surfing (while the boss isn’t looking)…sort of like what you’re doing right now…

It’s one of my favorite films and has been since it first came out.

This Friday Funny is short and sweet. It’s all about fun with “out of office” messages, and it was provided by Peter SJF Bance.

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

I’ve run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Loretta instead of Steve.